Forsaken

From my hard-fought first breath to the present, health has always been my “thorn in the flesh” keeping me dependent on God. Already battling multiple chronic conditions, in January of 2022 I found myself on a surgery wait list for severe endometriosis. No known cause, prevention, or cure. Just what I needed to hear…

As the year crept along and the disease progressed, I wrestled with why God would send me yet another affliction, and prayed for healing with an “I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief” attitude. I desperately longed to join the African children I had cared for during COVID on their upcoming choir tour starting in January, but didn’t think it wise to commit to nine months in the States with a volatile pre-existing condition not covered by travel insurance!

I know Gideon isn’t the prime example of faith to emulate, but I laid down a number of complications God would need to iron out if He were leading me to work with the choir. One by one, they fell into place. All except my surgery. Over the summer, my wrestling with God reached this conclusion: either supernaturally or by the medical system, I petitioned for healing by Christmas. God had used brain surgery to heal me almost 10 years ago, and He could do it again. Only five days later, I received a surgery date of September 13. Nine months of waiting paid off, and God came through, making it so obvious He was caring for me.

Needless to say, when I woke up in post-op to the news that the surgery was unsuccessful, it seemed just as clear that God had betrayed me. I had trusted Him and was left forsaken. My groans of doubt and despair unfolded in a verse of song: 

When I put my trust in you, when you're all I'm clinging to; When there's no one else around but you alone. When you seemed to pave a way, when I expected you to stay, You left me here out in the cold can you hear me when I groan? Why have you forsaken me?

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=-UkAJPptmT8&list=OLAK5uy_n0ll5ENG1_tSDCtWe-ym6ZaTagqyPNZJ8